Might have seen em, but funny anyway!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies"

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I'm not surprised, I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," say the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes, I'm not surprised at this either" the girl again replies, "you see another co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes, I imagine it has," continues the girl, "there was also a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark."


----------------------------------------------------------


There's a Space Shuttle mission to recover a satellite with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
Mission Control in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen".
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey does the pressure, temperature and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later Mission Control calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen".
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, Mission Control calls again:
"Woman please, woman approach the screen.
"She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.............................


"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything!!"


Aplogies if you've seen em before
Cheers
Clive

Despite myself I smiled at the second one...

FB

Only smiled??????

Well, Muppet - I'm afraid it only registered a smile..
mind you *this* one made me snigger...

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. ''You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.'' Then she whispers ''You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes...''

FB

Heard it before.....but still made me smile...........:lol:

Frank,

considering what Muppet's just put on here - can I repost my original joke!?!

Mike

Mike.....
Fuck it....just post it anyway....as if Frank could give a toss! :lol:

yeah, quick, post it ----- he's not looking!!!

So this woman, she's heavily pregnant and been in labour for hours. She's got her feet up in the stirups and theirs Doctor's and Nurses everywhere. All of a sudden Plop! (nooise of finger popping out of side of mouth!) the baby pops out and, before the woman realises what's happened, they've cut the cord and nipped the baby off next door.

So there she is - all alone, feet still in the stirups for 20 minutes. Then the Doctor walks back in and says "Mrs Smith - ive got osme good news and some bad news - which would you lie first?"

So the woman says - "oh God - give me the bad news first" So the Doctor says - "I'm sorry to have to tell you Mrs Smith that your son was born with Ginger hair" - so she says "Is that it - is that it! What's the good news?" - And the Doctor says " Don;t worry - he's dead!"

I thank you.


Mike

At last.

PFUN WITH FYSIKS

Physics is the science of nature, or rather the natural
world. Actually, physics is science and maths that is intended
to melt down the brains of most of us. We deal with atoms,
ions, neutrons, quarks, quirks, and whatever odd weird names come out of the think tanks. Why should the science geeks have all the phun, er, fun?
We have some particles of our own. In quark is something in
quantum physics that does not exist until you see it. Our
related particle is the Levitron, which is an integral part
of a joke. You don't see it until you get the punch line,
therefore the joke does not exist until you "get it."
An example of this is said to be found in the invention of
the bagpipe by the Irish. They gave them to the Scots, who
took nearly 1,000 years to get the joke.
Next we have the Marinaron, this particle is associated with
red sauces and is attracted to freshly laundered cloth,
especially white cloth. Marinarons have been know to actually
change the course of red sauces falling from utensils, which
under normal gravity would fall straight down.
The Colonion is an odd particle associated with the hormone
adrenaline. This additional cloth-seeking particle is
prevalent when startled, scared, or when laughing
uncontrollably.
The Carrion is limited to two pieces. However, one may be
Murphions are the physics stuff of chaos theory. Murphions
are responsible for toast falling buttered-side down. As
such, Murphions play a vital part in the cat-buttered-toast-
drive. Cats land feet first, buttered toast lands buttered-
side down. Strapping buttered toast on a cat's back will
produce a hovering mass unable to land. Further experiments with buttered toast forced into a roadbed dry-side down will float a basket of kittens. Practical employment of either mechanism is under close scrutiny by various animal rights organizations.

So that was the "ginger joke".... The one that some insensitive, boorish tosser thought had been removed because it was somehow derogatory to we redheads. I'm sure it was and had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that it might be considered offensive to anyone who'd had the misfortune to suffer a still birth....
Sh...

Yeah......I smiled despite myself. Tried to be outraged but couldn't be bothered

Janet

Unfortunately many jokes may have links with persons whose life stories find aspects upsetting.
Some upset others by making reference or having links to aspects that they deem unacceptable.
Being a sensitive person I find many jokes to be in poor taste.
Be they related to Englishmen, Irishmen, Scotsmen, foreign, 'coloured', stillbirths, miscarriages, gay, or perhaps most particularly sexist.
Most of these jokes are an indication of the 'owners' prejudices. A non-sexist person could not find a sexist joke funny.
A non-racist person would find a joke at the expense of another minority community offensive etc.
A person with no prejudices would not recount such stories.
So what's the joke with the 'ginger' baby?
Is it a joke?
Or does it demonstrate a prejudice?
Or is the link one in the memory of the receiver?
If the joke is analysed for what it is then it states 'your baby is differen't and be 'glad' it is no longer in existence', it is not about being ginger or still births, it is about differences.
Perhaps if we substitute 'lover of motorcycles' (or offensively - gay) for ginger you could get the joke?
It is funny how tolerant we can be at a young age and yet so intolerant as we get older. Do we know better?
Being in the profession I am being 'aware' of prejudices is to use a cliche an art form, but this has to be linked to having a sense of humour and being able to relieve stress, (without being at the expense of another).
Please accept humour for what it is.

wot profession is that then tricky?