Friday WHOOPEE!

[Old Man on a Sprint]

The Fairy & The Immigrant!

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy:

'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three-car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family
and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage,
a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW,
full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA,
a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said

'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us".

And disappeared!

----------------------------------------------


A Damn Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

-------------------------------------------

A woman walked into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
'What is your occupation?'
The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.'
The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.'
No, that is still too crude. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'

[barbieboy]

[nsw9154]

nice one's i like the 1st one best but they are all good and i will have some jokes to tell tonight in the pub